My Dream Man is a Sleaze!

The Sperminator
Sadness. For so long, Arnold Schwicantspellhisname has been my dream man. I mean look at this hunk of Austrian manliness. Sure, he looks more ape than man, but that matters not to me! And sure, he's 63, but what is age? And so what if he's married with kids? I have always thought that he was a respectable, genuine man-

Okay, I just barfed a little in my mouth. When you swallow so many lies, they sometimes come up when you're speaking. It can get nasty.

Like Arnold. Nasty, nasty. As unsurprising as the revelation that he has a lovechild is, I was still a little...surprised. He's always been sleazy, and he's always had an agenda. He married Maria Shriver because he wanted to be part of a higher-up political family, and he wanted to be in politics. Then he made it seem as if he was safe for Democrats to vote for, getting his wife to back him, and in turn getting votes. Now that he's out of office, he doesn't need her anymore, does he? So the scandal hurts less than it would have a few years ago. Of course I'm sure that he was forced into coming out with it. Better to head these icky scandals off before the tabloids get to them and the mistress is interviewed.

Oh, Arnold. I knew you weren't true, but I will never look at the Terminator the same way again! My dreams have been crushed!

I hope Maria kicks him in the balls.