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This Is Not A Book Review: A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness

Like I said, this isn't a book review, because I got to page 193 and then said, "Eff you, A Discovery of Witches!" and put it down somewhere where it wouldn't taunt me with its ripe blandness. I don't think it's entirely fair to grade a book that I didn't even manage to get half way through, so I won't.

I was so amazingly not gripped by what should have been a gripping book, that it kept falling out of my non-gripping hands. And it's a fat book (almost 600 pages of insomnia-curing blandness).

It was just so dull! This has vampires, witches, and demons in it. Why does it suck? I mean almost every chapter is the same, repetitive hunk of paragraphs. The heroine goes to the library, she gets stared at by various creatures, she jogs, she rows, she does yoga with her vampire boyfriend, she drinks tea, she eats lunch, and...yeah, up to the point in which I officially shunned this book, NOTHING HAPPENED. I'm serious. You'd think with a bunch of dangerous, deadly creatures hanging around that something vaguely interesting would occur, but nope.

Not only did nothing happen (and this book supposedly has an interesting plot), but the characters failed to entice me. Diana was gearing up to be a typical Mary Sue (she's perfect and even her flaws are considered endearing) and aside from being a brainy academic, she has little to offer. Matthew, the vampire she undoubtedly goes gaga over, isn't that interesting, either. And you just know she is going to idolize him. Because he's a vampire. And he's dangerous and mysterious. Personally, I think she should date a leper. Much more tension and forbidden love to work with.

The writing is nothing extraordinary, and the ridiculous details could be irritating. We get it, she drinks tea and loves exercising every minute that she isn't reading old documents in a dusty library. We get it, we really do, so stop flaunting her unending energy and perfectness in our bored faces. She is not a good heroine.

I'm glad I didn't buy this. No, I borrowed it from the library. It sounded decent, it had potential. Oh, the lies! And you know what? This is meant to be a trilogy.

WHYYYYYYYYYY?????

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