Skip to main content

Silent Hill

Advice: if you love the name Sharon, you should watch this movie.

"Sharon! Sharon! Sharooooon!" No, really, keep yelling her name. Don't mind the monsters who can hear you, I'm sure they're all too busy watching Duck Dynasty and munching on Doritos (mm, Doritos) to pay you any attention. So yes, keep doing what you're doing, because you're full of good ideas, Rose.

Story: Rose's adopted daughter Sharoooooon is one hell of a sleepwalker, and she loves saying 'Silent Hill' in her sleep, so naturally Rose and her husband, the wasted Sean Bean, look it up and see that it's a foul, supposedly haunted place in West Virginia. Rose, being responsible, kidnaps Sharooooooon and drives her there, despite the glaring signs telling her not to, and risking her daughter's life in the process. Frankly, no one should go to West Virginia. If you were born there, okay, it's not your fault, but if you go there willingly, shame on you!

After they arrive, via car crash (that's what good parents do), Sharoooon disappears and Rose starts running around the abandoned Silent Hill, where something is obviously amiss, but you know, gotta stick with the plan, which is yelling "Sharon!". On her journey, she runs into lot of creepy creatures and tortured dead bodies. Fun! Then she finds out that the scariest thing in this world are religious people. I could have told you that, Rose...

I can't believe I watched all two hours of this. Not only was the acting bad and the characters annoying, but Sean Bean was hardly in it! That should be a crime. Really, if you weren't going to adequately use the Bean, you might as well have cast a beanbag instead.

Silent Hill is based off of the video games (haven't played them, but I'm curious to). I suspect it works much better as a game. As a film, it just doesn't gel. I can imagine the possibility of a better script and better actors, but I don't see that ever happening, which is a shame since there's something worth salvaging here. As you probably guessed (or know, because you might have been tied down and forced to watch it), there's a sequel. My heart says no, but by brain says, "What if there's more Sean Bean in it this time?" No, listen to your heart this time, girl.

My grade: D


Popular posts from this blog

Movie Review: The Secret Life of Arrietty


As someone who grew up watching "The Borrowers", that lovely British gem from the early 90s starring Ian Holm and Penelope Wilton, I had to see this anime take on the children's novels by Mary Norton.

And boy was I disappointed!

I'm surprised that I'm even admitting this. This is a movie I genuinely believed would be above average for me. Perhaps is has to do with the ratings it has received, and I think anime generally gets praise. It's a thing. But more importantly, (and do take note of this before criticizing me for criticizing this) since I did grow up with that other lovely series, I've been spoiled, and nothing can outdo it. My standards were raised a long time ago.

So allow me to rundown the reasons why I am so disappointed with this adaptation:

(1) The Japanese stamp is certainly visible. While I wouldn't normally view that as a flaw, "The Borrowers" is a purely British tale. The characters, the setting, everything. The s…

Movie Review: Rosemary's Baby

It took me a long time to get to this, but I finally watched it. This isn't the first movie I've seen featuring satanists and creepy conspiring old people. I gotta say, I liked it, although this isn't one that I'll watch often, or maybe ever again. It also ran a little long at over two hours.

The painful part about watching this was how obvious the characters are in their intentions. In fact it could be downright infuriating. As a viewer, I know that the neighbors are rather evil and that they put a great deal of time and effort into controlling Rosemary. It's also a glaring fact that there is a big plot that has yet to be revealed, but according to the movie description I was supposed to "wonder" if it was real or just in Rosemary's imagination. Hmm.

I also know that I could just murder her husband, who is obviously a part of the plot (what a great guy!). And Rosemary comes off as both naive and aware, letting them tell her what to do, which doctor …

Inspector Lewis: Wild Justice

You know, I was excited last night. Why? Because, after weeks of no Inspector Lewis, they were finally airing two new episodes back to back! Yay! PBS has been a bit backed up, what with all of their pledge programming and favorites. There are four new episodes in total, and two, I believe, were supposed to air in September. Only one did. Naturally, I was looking forward to the 9-midnight Lewis-athon.

And you know what ticked me off? They didn't play two new episodes back to back. They repeated the first one and then played a new one. So I had to wait until 10:30 to get my fix. Because of course everyone wants to re-watch the first one, right? Wrong! Mamma not happy!

But we did get one new episode, so I'll be content with that. They should be playing the other two next week, since a new series is supposed to start soon.

This one is called "Wild Justice". Lewis and Hathaway are investigating the death of a female Bishop. She flew across the pond from the USA for a ga…