Silent Hill


Advice: if you love the name Sharon, you should watch this movie.

"Sharon! Sharon! Sharooooon!" No, really, keep yelling her name. Don't mind the monsters who can hear you, I'm sure they're all too busy watching Duck Dynasty and munching on Doritos (mm, Doritos) to pay you any attention. So yes, keep doing what you're doing, because you're full of good ideas, Rose.

Story: Rose's adopted daughter Sharoooooon is one hell of a sleepwalker, and she loves saying 'Silent Hill' in her sleep, so naturally Rose and her husband, the wasted Sean Bean, look it up and see that it's a foul, supposedly haunted place in West Virginia. Rose, being responsible, kidnaps Sharooooooon and drives her there, despite the glaring signs telling her not to, and risking her daughter's life in the process. Frankly, no one should go to West Virginia. If you were born there, okay, it's not your fault, but if you go there willingly, shame on you!

After they arrive, via car crash (that's what good parents do), Sharoooon disappears and Rose starts running around the abandoned Silent Hill, where something is obviously amiss, but you know, gotta stick with the plan, which is yelling "Sharon!". On her journey, she runs into lot of creepy creatures and tortured dead bodies. Fun! Then she finds out that the scariest thing in this world are religious people. I could have told you that, Rose...

I can't believe I watched all two hours of this. Not only was the acting bad and the characters annoying, but Sean Bean was hardly in it! That should be a crime. Really, if you weren't going to adequately use the Bean, you might as well have cast a beanbag instead.

Silent Hill is based off of the video games (haven't played them, but I'm curious to). I suspect it works much better as a game. As a film, it just doesn't gel. I can imagine the possibility of a better script and better actors, but I don't see that ever happening, which is a shame since there's something worth salvaging here. As you probably guessed (or know, because you might have been tied down and forced to watch it), there's a sequel. My heart says no, but by brain says, "What if there's more Sean Bean in it this time?" No, listen to your heart this time, girl.

My grade: D


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