Don't worry, I used an AMC gift card, because there are some lows that even I am not willing to descend to.
Cats. The only real reason to see this is to have a gloriously fun time hating on it. I was so giddy about the idea of it being terrible that I actually went out to see it on a Friday morning opening week. Perfect time, because only my fellow degenerates would be there (and confused people who actually did wander in, talk in whispered confusion and, dare I say, panic? Until finally they realized the error of their ways and went back to see Star Wars.)
Let's start with the plot, of which there really isn't a coherent one. I'm okay with that. But I guess if there is one, it goes like this: British cats with human hands break out of their homes once a year and unite in the streets of London in order to perform horny musical numbers and compete for a chance to get a "new life". The winner gets to float off in a hot air balloon to...? Die. I mean obviously this is just a cover for cat murder, even if no one else will say it. I for one would be very concerned if I saw my cat ascending into space as a group of random felines watched happily from below. "Did they just sacrifice my cat?" Probably.
It goes without saying that a fabulous movie would attract a fabulous cast. Judi Dench plays a really, really, very, quite elderly cat who condescends to choose who gets to be sacrificed in the hot air balloon. Ian McKellen wandered in off the streets and onto the set. Taylor Swift wasn't good enough to be a lead, so she wrote some songs and did a bit part as a mischievous kitty. Jason Derulo had more fun than literally anyone else in this movie. James Corden and Rebel Wilson did their parts as the fat cats who everyone gets to make fun of (because fat tropes live on forever, apparently). Idris Elba plays a magical but evil cat, who looks super fucking naked when not in human clothes (why?????). And Jennifer Hudson looks sad.
I will note two things that I liked about this, the first being the casting of an actual ballerina to play Victoria. They easily could have gone with someone who was more famous than talented. My second Cats compliment is how every actor managed to stare at each other with such dedication throughout the entire film. Were they staring in lust? Maybe. Were they simply on a lot of hardcore drugs? Likely. We will never truly know.
In conclusion, Cats is and will forever be worth watching, preferably with other people. Like your parents, or that date who you're not really into.
My Grade: P for Pussycat.
Spoilers Below. Just in case anyone was worried about that kind of thing.
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It haunts me, guys. I just...I don't understand. Why? Who wrote it that way? Why didn't anyone speak up? See something, say something. But no...they just...ran with it. Rebel Wilson playing a cat who wears a...cat suit. That unzips. And after being abducted and chained along with her fellow hot air balloon contestants, and after Judi Dench almost gets murdered, but is then magically beamed up by Scotty, it turns out she could have rescued everyone right away if only she had unzipped herself. She would have let Judi Dench drown. Why are cats so cruel?
This reminds me. I grew up on the Cats VHS back in the 90s. I don't remember hating it, but I also don't remember much of it, period. Should I rewatch it? Methinks yes, but I worry that it will never compare to this litter box of a film.
Cats. The only real reason to see this is to have a gloriously fun time hating on it. I was so giddy about the idea of it being terrible that I actually went out to see it on a Friday morning opening week. Perfect time, because only my fellow degenerates would be there (and confused people who actually did wander in, talk in whispered confusion and, dare I say, panic? Until finally they realized the error of their ways and went back to see Star Wars.)
It goes without saying that a fabulous movie would attract a fabulous cast. Judi Dench plays a really, really, very, quite elderly cat who condescends to choose who gets to be sacrificed in the hot air balloon. Ian McKellen wandered in off the streets and onto the set. Taylor Swift wasn't good enough to be a lead, so she wrote some songs and did a bit part as a mischievous kitty. Jason Derulo had more fun than literally anyone else in this movie. James Corden and Rebel Wilson did their parts as the fat cats who everyone gets to make fun of (because fat tropes live on forever, apparently). Idris Elba plays a magical but evil cat, who looks super fucking naked when not in human clothes (why?????). And Jennifer Hudson looks sad.
I will note two things that I liked about this, the first being the casting of an actual ballerina to play Victoria. They easily could have gone with someone who was more famous than talented. My second Cats compliment is how every actor managed to stare at each other with such dedication throughout the entire film. Were they staring in lust? Maybe. Were they simply on a lot of hardcore drugs? Likely. We will never truly know.
In conclusion, Cats is and will forever be worth watching, preferably with other people. Like your parents, or that date who you're not really into.
My Grade: P for Pussycat.
Spoilers Below. Just in case anyone was worried about that kind of thing.
*
*
*
*
It haunts me, guys. I just...I don't understand. Why? Who wrote it that way? Why didn't anyone speak up? See something, say something. But no...they just...ran with it. Rebel Wilson playing a cat who wears a...cat suit. That unzips. And after being abducted and chained along with her fellow hot air balloon contestants, and after Judi Dench almost gets murdered, but is then magically beamed up by Scotty, it turns out she could have rescued everyone right away if only she had unzipped herself. She would have let Judi Dench drown. Why are cats so cruel?
This reminds me. I grew up on the Cats VHS back in the 90s. I don't remember hating it, but I also don't remember much of it, period. Should I rewatch it? Methinks yes, but I worry that it will never compare to this litter box of a film.
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