Persuasion (2022)

Well, I'm offended. Worse than offended, I'm...disappointed. Worse than disappointed, I'm...devastated.

No, that's a lie, I'm just offended.

We already knew that the latest adaptation of Persuasion was going to be a dumpster fire, and oh boy, did it exceed my expectations, i.e. it's so much worse than I anticipated. It's like they put a mid-2000s rom-com in a blender and attempted to mix it with a period romance. Honestly, it feels like it was written by Gen Z and Millennials who just skimmed the book and thought, How can we suck the essence right out of this? I say this as a Millennial. I am one, and I have lived amongst them.

From this point on, there will be spoilers, because I can't help myself. Not that there's much to spoil. It ruined itself as soon as they cast Dakota Johnson. 

My biggest grievance is probably the dialogue. From, "single and thriving," to "What if he's been pining for me day and night all these years?" Absolute cancer. Who greenlit this? "Worse than strangers, we're exes." And of course, "Worse than exes, we're friends." I want to fire everyone involved with this project. "He's a ten. I never trust a ten." I mean you're not wrong, but I don't think they had quite started assigning a number to everyone's foreheads in the 1800s. 

The butchering of Anne Elliot as a character is tied in with the dog shite dialogue. You can't have an authentic characterization coupled with the aforementioned lines, and actually think they did Anne, Persuasion, or Jane Austen any justice. They really just annihilated poor Anne Elliot, and replaced her with a self-absorbed ninny. At one point early on in the film, she, for no fucking reason, opens a window and proceeds to shout out Captain Wentworth's name. And is then like, Ermergherd, he heard that? When he's not that far away? Shocking! 

The worst scene, out of the many bad scenes, is when Anne decides to announce at dinner, in front of everyone, that her brother-in-law, Charles, had wanted to marry her first. Not her sister. "So yeah, how does it feel to be second best? Bitch." Even the writers, in their coked-out stupor, realized what a stupid scene this was, as Captain Wentworth himself was baffled as to why she would make such a declaration at dinner, effectively embarrassing pretty much everyone. Both her sister and Charles are, you know...right there. I also want to note that they drastically changed this reveal, since it's Louisa who actually tells Wentworth about Charles and Anne, in private. It's supposed to be a small turning point in the story. Unfortunately, this is only one example of certain scenes and plot points being poorly reconfigured. 

Also, Anne is lowkey an alcoholic...? Or a wino, at the very least. I give up.

I think Anne's behavior is supposed to be cute and endearing, which isn't surprising, since this script seems to have been written by people who would definitely think that this is the most lovable, intelligent character ever. In a jarring contradiction, they would occasionally insert lines of wisdom, and pay homage to the source material, even though the execution was lacking. A for effort. 

I have surprisingly little to say about Captain Wentworth. He may be one of the main characters, but they gave the actor so little to do, that my impression was whittled down to a mere, He's cute. He does get to be the hero at one point, though. Anne is playing with her nephews, and they decide to start beating her with sticks (can you blame them?). Wentworth steps in and is not having it, even though I'm pretty sure he'd like to beat her with a stick, too. 

Louisa seemed smarter in this version. Well, aside from her "Either catch me or don't" moment. Spoiler, he didn't. 

Mary, while fairly accurate, was too self-aware. Lady Russell, meanwhile, likes getting dicked down in Europe. Eh, I get it.

Mr. Elliot, who is supposed to be the mysterious, handsome cousin who you can never entirely trust, throws all of the mystery out the window in one fell swoop. Instead of the audience finding out his schemes towards the end of the story, he just...tells Anne. Right off the bat.
Don't do drugs, kids, and if you do, be like Stephen King, not like these writers.

I honestly have so many small gripes that I can't list them all. The fact that they turned a period romance/drama into a rom-com is already chapping my ass. Even the way they handle the dramatic scenes, such as Louisa's accident, which almost kills her, and even Mary's son falling from a tree, is poorly done. Everything is brushed off as if it's not that big a deal. Oh, Louisa just cracked her head on the pavement and fell into a coma? It's okay, she'll be fine. 

If this is your first taste of Persuasion, I highly recommend you track down the 1995 version with Amanda Root and Ciaran Hinds, which is my absolute favorite adaptation. You can't beat the tension or the chemistry, and Anne does not look into the camera even once and wink at you. And if you want to keep going, I also recommend the 2007 version. 

My Grade: D- for negative dick. Except for Lady Russell, who's out here getting it in. You go, girl!